Friends

I hate it, but I feel trapped.  Trapped at home, at school, in my marriage; it's like it's creeping over every part of my life.  

My "house" is terrible.  It's an unpleasant place to live, for sure.  And it doesn't seem to matter to anyone.  Yeah, okay, there's not much even we can do about it, but it seems that it's gone ignore in even the institutions that are supposed to help those economically disadvantaged.  Granted, we haven't been trying all that hard, but it's largely a lack of time.

It seems at school that everyone thinks I am in the know.  Alright, I generally am; I know people in many of the different aspects of the college.  But it's almost like there is too much expected of me.  I don't know what I'm going to do in terms of after I graduate here.  I just don't know.  It's a road I cannot see the end of.

My marriage...I don't know.  It is here that I feel most trapped.  I cannot be close to my husband physically, because I am not comfortable.  It is hard for me to talk to him, especially about the things that are most important in our relationship.  I can, but it's not easy.  I finally told him, though.  It's a start; it's hardly what I would like in one, but it's a start.

There are some that would look upon my pain and smile.  Too many people take their pleasure in pretending they are better than others, even as they sit in their mother's house, on their computer for the nth hour in a row, with no prospects for a future of happiness, regardless of how that may be.  Let them; it only presses them further into their pain.

You know who you are.  ;)

Signed, *paw-print* the Fitz

I really think it's high time I post more.  A lot happens in between posts and I forget most of it.

While this journal began as a way to keep sane and in contact with some people, a lot has changed.  It's become a updatable memory.  It's generally hard for people to really understand how my memory does (and does not) work.  Think of it as something akin to formatting a computer's hard drive once a week, but only  being able to keep half a gig of information from one format to the next.  Slowly, I am increasing how much I can keep and this journal has helped.

I want to understand myself and that's a hard thing to do.  It's always difficult to bargain out how one will conduct each day, especially as it's necessary to remember it.  I know it's possible, even for me, but it's not simple as most expect.

I think...it's time to try again.  There is a place in Bellevue, Kelsey Creek City Farm Park, that is generally always on the look out for people to employ (or for volunteers).  A friend of mine works there and has let me know this is the case.  Most of their staff is part time.  This excites me, because I can start part time and go to full time when I finally graduate.  I enjoyed my previous job working with animals (even though it was five years ago).  I miss it even.  The idea of a job that I know I can do really helps some with the fear and anxiety that I generally feel.  I haven't told my husband yet, because I need to see this through for myself, for him, and for our finances.  ;)  Everytime I've told him of something similar, I find a way to scare myself out of it.  Maybe his knowing makes me feel under pressure.  We'll see.

I've started in on my tai chi exercises again.  I'm rather disgusted with just how out of shape I really am.  I've never been in the best of shape, but I've been a great deal better than I am now.  Anyway, I can only get through the first two exercises or so.  I figure, I'll leave it there for a week, then work on the next two as an addition.  Tai chi is fabulous for the joints and this is a lot less strenuous on my knee and hip that some things I've had recommended.  Some rather unwise woman tried to tell me that a trampoline is good for bad knees...  I wanted to swat her, but it simply isn't worth my time to deal with those who lack common sense.

I'm almost out of college and perhaps that is the greatest fear factor just now.  What do I do after?  It took me nine months to get used to the campus I am at now, before I could even register for classes.  Think about that a second and you might begin to understand my daily plight.  I am trying to work beyond it, but each new thing is truly a new battle, requiring a new tactic and renewed faith in myself.

There's something I lack; faith in myself.  Honestly, I've always tried to defend my marriage and have told a few lies to do so.  For once, I think it's time to let myself in on the truth.  It's not so great.  I love Karl and he's awesome, but this hiding from myself is not helping me overall.  I need to have some satisfaction with myself and who I am, without lies and tears, before I can really get down to helping make our marriage better.  Neither he nor I are spring chickens, but neither are we too old to make changes.  Consistency is a problem for both of us, although in different ways.  And, well, the intimate bits aren't faring so well either.  Regardless, it's time I make a few changes in myself.  Only when those are in place can I ask him to do the same.

Recently, I have learned that when there is something wrong with a relationship, it is the self that should strive to change.  One should not force one's partner to do the changing; it has to be one's own choice.

Until next time,
Signed, *paw-print* the Fitz